We’re all Looking For It…

We’re all looking for connection. It’s a fact. My therapist said so. Everything we do... hair, getting dressed, posting on IG, creating stuff, going to work. It’s for connection. I know some of you are cringing at the thought of what I’m saying. I’ll cut to the chase. You’re thinking “human connection”, I’m not…

Here’s the deal. Human connection is our first introduction to the idea of connection but as we go thru life we begin to realize that humans fail. They don’t call back, they get there late, they move far away, they don’t always tell the truth. Sure, you want to be loved by one, but those humans.... they’re complicated and challenging. 

Church not enough. Guys not enough.

I recently went thru a phase of minimalism. It comes with the territory of divorce so I figured I’d embrace it. At first I thought I needed time alone... so I looked for it. Long walks, time with books in quiet spaces, the gym. It was nice... Then I thought, “You know what? I need to be around my family more.” I began to spend loads of time with my family and talk, cook, laugh... I even tried crying. Never got around to it.

That was cool but it wasn’t enough. Church. Not enough. Guys. Not enough. Stage. Not enough. IG comment section. Not enough. 

Then there was this moment in therapy where I began to share how excited I was about a few new things happening at work. I wasn’t just excited, I was lightweight petrified. Same thing, right? I was stepping into new territory, meeting new people and introducing myself to a new crowd as, “me”. No pretense, no phasod. Just the truest version of myself. Would anyone be moved by me? Moved to say hello, moved to ask me questions, moved to want to hear about what I was thinking when I put my outfit together, wrote my song, cut my hair...? Who would I get to know because I stepped into the room? What phone number would I go home with? Who’s hand would I shake? 

When you’re in your therapists office, you can think about ANYTHING you want. (Sure you could do that at home or your office... but... it’s nice to have a “thought cop” sometimes.) So... I voiced these concerns. I said aloud that I wanted human connection and as soon as I admitted it, I knew it wasn’t guaranteed. Sometimes it takes being honest, aloud to really HEAR our hearts. 

There’s no such thing as LONELINESS

I’ve been failed numerous times. Just like you, my hearts been broken, bruised, buried and banged on. For some reason the crazy thing keeps showing back up to the party. Thanks, Heart. This time though, it’s different. My heart is a lot wiser these days. She’s got a “mind” of her own. This time there’s this cautious idea that MAYBE people aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. For the first time I’m resolving to the idea that with or without human connection and expectation of people, I’m going to be just fine. 

I sat with that for a while. 

I let it sink in.

It’s been sinking in for a bit now. I’ve let that truth slowly become me. 

You know what? In the loneliest of places I’ve become comfortable. I’ve changed how I view loneliness. There’s really no such thing. God is always there. You see, one day I had a question and I knew no one could answer it. I said it anyway. God answered me. It was so strange. With this new “sinking in” of loneliness as an illusion, I’d resolved to the idea that I’m never alone. I was becoming available to the still small voice that pierces thru the silence. It spoke so easily and clearly. Why was this happening? I think it’s because I made room for it.

I did my best not to be shocked because the voice was so still, I worried if I clamored too much I might misplace what I heard. Ever hear someone say, “it was palpable”? These words were palpable. They kind of hung in the air like a light mist. The wind would have been too much. I softly inhaled them and they rested on my heart... just as gentle as breath ... or weed smoke 🤷🏽‍♀️ but without the coughing. And I had peace. And I didn’t need anyone to be there. And I didn’t crave touch, or an embrace, or a kiss. God was all of it... in the stillness.

Connection. It exists. We don’t have to work so hard for it. Sure we can play with the luring of the human senses and psyche. Esther did it. But God? God doesn’t need our outfit or perfect hair. After all, God created all of that. There’s no lack in God, so why would God crave what was provided for us? God just wants us to become available. We’ll hear. We’ll feel. And we will be satisfied in that secret place away from all the craving, the lusts and the illusion of loneliness. 

Awaken to it. Gods company. It will keep you away from searching for what fails. Sure, you’ll love, you’ll be a friend... but see if you can be that with out attachment to outcome, with out the inevitable failure of human nature as your meter for relationship success… you’ll find contentment. It will make you “present” and available for what actually IS available right now. 

How to hear god?

I think God likes space. Not measurable space, like feet and inches... spiritual space.  I think that space is created when we let go of expectations from the human nature of human beings. Devine connection. As it becomes natural, you’ll be comfortable referring to it as your inner voice. It’s the truth. It’s the Spirit. It’s the very connection you crave, but you’ll have to get “alone” to get “un-lonely”.

All My Love,

CM