Bi-Polar • Grand Thinking • Therapy & God

When most people think “why” I’m usually thinking “what”.

It annoys me about myself that I don’t automatically think just like other people. It’s embarrassing sometimes. I don’t have the same reaction or impulse in the same moment that everyone else seems to. Things don’t occur to me along with “crowd occurrence”. 

I remember growing up and not knowing I wasn’t a part of adult conversations. My mother didn’t rebuke me and I’d join in with my hand on my chin just like her. My imagination was vivid and the world was a place for pure expression. 

Dad treated me like my ideas were important masterpieces. We’d play instruments and make up songs and circus acts. We’d build castles and fortes. 

I was the kid who wore her moms suit to school one day, and baggy jeans the next. I was the one with the random blue streak in her hair, then a transition to an Afro, and then braids. I had a heightened aptitude towards self expression. A need to “fully exist”.

Bullying happened but it wasn’t traumatic. To me it was someone else’s thought, not mine. I thought they were strange for their ideas and laughed with them for their sense of humor or ignored them because I had other more pressing ideas. 

The Grandness of Bipolar 

Growing up bi-polar was more than just moodiness. Those moods informed my art. They weren’t a drastic experience from light to dark or hot to cold. I was type two bi-polar. My moods ebbed and flowed gradually. They weren’t as severe as some of the people I’d loved and watched go thru manic episodes. 

Words like “bi-polar” and “ADD” become catch phrases and the general public makes it shameful for anyone to identify with the truths of it. It’s manageable if it’s addressed.  

A part of being bi-polar is “grandiose”. It’s a term that describes ones idea of themselves in comparison to others. It’s who they are in their heads. They aren’t different from how you see them, they’re just “very much” how you see them. They aren’t just wearing “red jeans”, they’re “WEEEEEEAAAARRRING THOSE JEANS! HUNTI!”. Their reality is a little louder. Same channel. Same show. Just more volume. 

It would be paranoia but instead of thinking “oh no, everyone is watching me and they are against me,” the thought is, “I’m here for something important. What in this room needs me?”. 

That sounds good. I know. It sounds like confidence. It is, but with the volume up. It’s grandiose, the clinical term. 

Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy taught me how to embrace the thoughts that come with bi-polar type two. Bi-polar comes with a kind of “conceit”.  The way bullying didn’t make sense to me growing up, not being accepted was another idea that didn’t “resonate”.

The thought of feeling “hyper-accepted” got in the way sometimes. Hyper accepted was “I MUST go to church and sing on the praise team.” Instead of “I love to sing and I enjoy doing it in the Lords house”. You couldn’t challenge my reason or my logic. I’ll never forget driving in the snow to get to church one night because I was a “YOUTH LEADER!” and I had to be an “EXAMPLE!”.

When the virus broke out, my band and I travelled across the country on a flight to the city where the outbreak was the largest. My band had on masks and gloves and every logical thing one would have at a time like this. My face was uncovered and I met them smiling and effervescent. I am learning, but it’s coming slowly. I know some days they look at me and wonder, “does she know she’s famous?”. They ask if I’d like them to walk me to my car and I walk alone. They ask me why I’m not always in first class. It’s not humility. Fear just doesn’t occur to me. “We have somewhere to be. Let’s get there.

Bullying wasn’t an issue because I was “needed”. Failure was a distraction because I was “needed”. “No” wasn’t an option because I was “needed”. Those thoughts are novice but they’re grand. They’re encouraged in the era of “boss babe” and “entrepreneurial pursuit” but they’re grand. 

In bi-polar terms, we call that “grandiose”.

My Tenacity

Self acceptance came naturally to me. I never knew not to like myself. My brain wasn’t set up that way. True failure happened for me just around adolescence. I didn’t recognize danger. Men “needed” me. I didn’t recognize rejection. My “contribution” was necessary, people just needed to “hear it again” or “understand what I meant”. 

You may have seen me make a point before and repeat it. You’ve seen me create something and then create it again to re-introduce an idea. I shaved my head back in 2009. It wasn’t cool to be natural then. You HATED it. I was “ripped to shreds”. Or at least that’s the popular idea of what happened. In MY mind, you just needed to see it again. So I did a photo shoot that ended up in every magazine. I flew to Europe to photograph hair inspo. I came back with the “Grace Jones Fade” and dressed it up on the cover of my album “Better” and the “A Couple of Forevers” video. I sported my TWA in the video for one of Hip Hops great tunes “Aston Martin Music”. I refused to be shut down. That’s the tenacity I have. 

Bi-polar type two is intricate though. It has nuances. 

Bi-polar Artists

You see many bi-polar artists. It’s not strange to us to have it. It’s not strange for us to recognize it in each other. 

We’re mission driven. We do everything for some “great intuitive reason”. Every moment of our existence has a cause. Sounds tiring right? Bi-polar type one has a cure for that, “sleeplessness”. I’d call it insomnia, but it’s a charged sleeplessness that “allows” you to complete your “grand” idea. 

It peaks in moments like Aston Martin. I went to Europe to buy the shades in the video and shopped down Rodeo drive for the sequined pants. I was on a mission to show “curvy girls” as fashionistas. I was being “mission driven”. I don’t do much for “no reason”. But what happens when I’m fought into believing I’ve failed? What happened when I’ve positively been rejected? How do I come to that conclusion?

Inauguration 2016. 

Blessed? Or Broken?

Some people have to be broken in order to be blessed. When I sang that day I couldn’t fathom the idea that anyone would think my intentions were wrong. It didn’t make sense in my mind and so I was convinced that I could convince you into understanding the heart of the matter. I couldn’t. 

I was squeezed into being wrong, not needed and out of order. I needed the literal entire world to break me down. Notice I said “needed”. It wasn’t painful when everyone thought it was. I was called names, but I couldn’t fathom them belonging to me. People thought that was confidence or arrogance. It was “grandiose”. 

The fine line between bi-polar type two and normal is, although we understand the “logic” of why we’re wrong we think there’s a “deeper meaning” for why we’re right. If that deeper meaning isn’t rooted and grounded in Jesus and instead rooted in our own arrogance, we can be in trouble. 

What’s the Bible say about Bipolar?

The Bible says: 

through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. (Romans 12:3)

In this passage the writer was referring to the mind. He began by explaining that the mental space needed to be renewed. He was talking to people who wanted to walk right. Sometimes when people talk about “mental disorders” they assume people are “full of the _____” or “wayward”.  

But it continues to let us know the error in thinking “high” or grand about ourselves. We’re asked to be sober in thought. Faith in God means that we believe God can do the mighty work that we are so desperately longing to see completed in our noble minds. Sure. We might be a small part of Gods great production, but we ourselves are not the production. 

Don’t be ashamed. Really, it’s human to have some mental error. If it weren’t, God wouldn’t have used His word to address it. Even Gods people need mental renewal. 

This passage continues to say: 

For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: 

We are all in this together as Believers. Nobody is above another. 

So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. 

I’m a part of you and you’re a part of me. Together we are Gods body. None of us are single or singular in operation. No person better than the next. This passage is how I “check myself”.

Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us

We’ve all been given the life path necessary to support who God has called us to be. When I got knocked down, it was clear to me that grace brought me to that breaking. I was on a path of rushing and speeding thru and to who I thought I was called to be. Grandiose thinking made me run when God was saying “walk with me. Breathe. This is just a test. Be still.”

What happens when a person who thinks more highly of themselves than they aught gets knocked down? Knocking me down is difficult. But it happened finally. When I took my seat at the feet of God, He had a lot to say.  

I’m Changing 

Sometimes, we think because we were born a certain way or into a certain society or culture, we have to stay that way forever. 

You know what I’m learning? At 37. It’s ok to be alone. It’s ok not to be noticed. It’s ok to be not needed. It’s called staying in your lane. I learned that the “hyper sensitivity” and “hyper awareness” that comes with bi-polar doesn’t need me to address, involve, have input about it or be present. I am learning that it’s ok for me to mind my business. Mind my peace.

What people think isn’t as much of my business as I thought it was. Sure, bi-polar type two sounds cool. I lack the fear that most people experience on a regular basis. But my heart wants to please God. I can’t use “my mind” as an excuse to neglect walking with Him. I’m human. Sure. But I’m saved and filled with the Holy Spirit. 

His Word wrote about me before I was born. If I study, I can find me and become who He called me to be.

Romans 8:1-8 says: 

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

For in Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 

For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man, as an offering for sin. He thus condemned sin in the flesh, 

So that the righteous standard of the law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh; but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 

The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace, 

Because the mind of the flesh is hostile to God: It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 

Those controlled by the flesh cannot please God.

It sounds cool but its dangerous

Honestly, until “Covid Couch Arrest 2020”, “fear” was an idea I couldn’t wrap my mind around in the conventional, innate sense. In the “community” sense. Being afraid because “you” are afraid just didn’t register. 

It sounds novel, but it’s dangerous. Where most have the natural tendency to protect themselves, I have had a feeling of invincibility. “CCA2020” taught me what “fear” feels like. I hated the idea of it. I hated it’s resonance. My initial reaction was to rebuke the feeling people were having. 

What bi-polar lacks is the compassion to be present with the emotions other people carry. One might call it “haughty”. It’s not intentional, it’s a mental capacity difference.

My relationship with God is important to me because I know my flaws. I’ve taken a look at my minds shortcomings. Finding myself in His holy Word and then speaking to Him about what I learned has strengthened my relationship with God and myself. If it wasn’t for Him allowing me to be humiliatingly humbled, I may have walked into something more dangerous than singing on that “day”. I’m grateful that was drawn closer to Him. 

You hear artist stand strong in their opinions and fight for them. You see stars walk into moments others would be petrified of. They have “people” with them because they know their tendency towards fearlessness. Towards grandiosity. God has protected me this long. I’m grateful. Anything could have happened but He kept me. 

There is no SHAME, but God IS Able

I don’t know that I’ve ever said “don’t call me bi-polar” since I’ve been diagnosed. But I have Jesus Christ as an anchor now. I understand the definition of humble, now. People say, someone needs to be humbled and they often mean the person needs to be nicer or kinder or have better manners. For me, being humbled meant to stop thinking that I was “the answer” when Jesus is. 

I didn’t realize it, but I was trying to be “the answer” in a way that God wants to be. I know now, that there’s nothing I can do in my own strength to save anyone. My only responsibility is, to point people in the direction of who saved me. 

Sure. I still have a difficult time processing ideas that don’t come naturally to me but I don’t feel the need to prove anybody wrong. I wrote that in the introduction of “How to Hear from God”. Take a read when you can, if you can. 

You don’t have to become ashamed to become whole. But you will have to become honest before you can accept the peace God has for you. Don’t let it get to the point where you have to be hit by a whirlwind like me. Change when you notice the truth.

God Made you

God made me. He made you! I’m studying how some people get to Earth with a few things “missing”. I’ll let you know if I find out. But the truth is, I think He knew. He knew I’d have a measure of fearlessness. Some people are missing a tooth or a bone. Some people don’t have a kind bone in their body or got an eye removed. I’m Bi-polar type two. They call it a mental disorder. I still can’t see it that way. I’m human. Flawed, but useable by God. I have the right to live holy by the grace of God who knew my flaws and sin before I experienced them myself. 

Cheers!

Minding my business is probably my favorite new idea. Neicy Nash says it all the time. She even said it about me once. I didn’t know what she meant before, but I do now. She saw my “humility”. She called it right when it was happening. She saw the peace it was bringing me and she noticed the glow it gave me. She had a wisdom on the inside that identified me right. I was pushed into that space. It was a kind of trauma. But I’m better for it. Thank you. 

Don’t be afraid of what God wants to do with the corner He allowed you to be pushed into. Your season may not be on a grand stage. It may be the very opposite. 

If I’ve learned anything from Covid Couch Arrest 2020, I’ve learned that it’s ok to mind my business. Me time doesn’t always mean “try to figure out how to save the world” time. There are things I’m called to do, that have nothing to do with the mayhem around me. Some moments are just a nest for me to have time to be blessed.

Like those days on the stage in my living room with my daddy, I’m safe in the arms of my Father. I can sing and dance just for Him and no one has to watch. I can laugh and sing and create and play with out owing anyone anything. 

I don’t have to be to grand to experience the beauty of life with out anyone watching. Perhaps there really is something to “me time”.

Love you so. I hope this helped someone. It was therapeutic for me. 

Peace,

CM

An awesome workbook to walk thru your symptoms if Bipolar type 2 is something you think you have: “The Bi-polar 2 Workbook”