Growing Into My Love Life

I had really big plans of growing up. I did. I spent years thinking about it, in my 20’s. My friends were getting married and having babies then. I watched them from a distance, like they were living and breathing, picture books trying to share ideas with me about the future. I watched as their “fictional” bellies grew and these small beautiful beasts crawled out of their vaginas. It was miraculous, solely. But, unreal. My friends were strange fairy tales.

I’d visit these friends over the years, you know, when I wasn’t busy. I’d see their children and be in disbelief at how much taller they were than two years ago. It was strange. I didn’t have time to comprehend it. Only enough to accept it. 

I’d come back a year or two later and they’d be even taller and trendy too. They’d have their own thoughts and ideas. Cool hair cuts, blonde tips… Louis Vuitton bags! No one was speaking for them. They were small adults.  Fly, broke and bossy, but pretty darn smart. 

This scared me of course. If they were just as articulate and opinionated as me, then it must be strange if I’m at the same stage of life as they are. Un-married, using magazines as style forecasters, haphazard new friends by way of the Internet... Instagram famous, DM’s over texts and FaceTime over phone calls. I was basically a child with enough money to make adult mistakes.

The friends I knew for years still lived in the same state, had brunch with the same people and even had the same jobs they had out of college. They hated their phones, took ”up the nose” selfies and wore Lululemon to Starbucks. Either they were in a warp zone, matrix or, I TOTALLY forgot to grow up. 

Wedding bells in vegas

Aston Martin Music drops. I’m in LA, a small-time millionaire, Grammy award winning, and happily dating “grown ups” but... I’m a child. A very successful... kid. Aaaaand, it literally never occurred to me that I’d missed a step until… Wedding Bells in Vegas (circa: 2016-2018). I walked down the aisle to “Love You Like A Love Song”, a techno club record TOTALLY meant for high heeled, couch dancing at LIV in Miami (or maybe Lavo in Vegas). Childish.

I’m divorced now. I think I got married to try adulting on for size. Didn’t fit. My ex had latched onto the idea that adulting was a “thing”, and I’d never gotten the memo. Sure I brought home fairly large slabs of bacon, made up the bed and opened a few businesses but... it wasn’t until after we divorced that I realized he had the intentions of living in the same city, raising small opinionated beasts who would grow IN MY STOMACH, and eating at the same restaurant every Sunday. 

Apparently this soul quelling idea is called ... “settling down”. Eeek... I just threw up in my mouth a little. 

So Mom? About The Married Life... 

My Dad was 37 when he married my mother. They’ve been married almost 40 years. He says, “Awh Chrissy don’t worry, you’re just a late bloomer like your Dad.” …my mom was… younger. Maybe I’ll be a cougar🤷🏽‍♀️.

Mom and I were sitting in her living room earlier one morning when she said something about how some women need a man. This man is stood beside by a docile and supportive trophy woman in public who becomes an assertive, house running BOSS in the home. Hmmm🤔, crafty. These two people (husband and wife) were meant to be some sort of “pair”, not only happy to live together but to be a kind of team that enjoys each other’s company SO MUCH, that they create a life around each other. I’m getting a headache as I type this. This craft escapes me.

It registers to me as, a loss of identity and getting wrapped up in someone else’s idea of a life. I’m sure I have it all misconstrued. I can’t possibly be seeing this the way it’s supposed to be seen. People spend thousands of dollars to announce this contract, I mean... covenant to hundreds of people with such clamor, I mean... glamour. And celebration. 

Maybe a rock star. Maybe a construction worker. Someone so fascinating that my attention is allowed to be as busy as a nine year olds. I’m clinically diagnosed with Adult ADHD. Being still, being seated isn’t my gifting. Settle down? I mean... you can’t POSSIBLY want that... can you? Well… I guess it depends.

It feels constrictive. Maybe I just need a minute. I’m not ruling it out.

Sure, I Talk To Men… 

I got a call today from a guy. He mentioned that I need to get married. Need? I NEED coffee in the morning. I NEED to go to the gym. I NEED Jesus (CLEARLY). Need to get married? Sir? Are you romanticizing your need to be in charge? (…or am I just light weight, rebellious?) Pray For Me.

One of my girlfriends text me. She said, “I’m still hoping for magic for you.” She was talking about love. I wanted to say, “Is it ok for a woman not to be thinking about marriage for the same amount of time as any given man?”. I wanted to ask, “Is it enough for me to love traveling, meeting new people and long lavish walks thru Whole Foods?”. Am I “not grown-up”, if I’m not constantly wondering about love and a home for 2? To avoid experiencing normal “Yes I’m Judging You” thoughts from my home gurl, I said, “I’m not pressed”. To recreate my whole existence to fit into someone else’s? And then be stuck in one place forever? Yeah. No. Not right now.

i’m Human-ing

Ok, ok, ok. In all seriousness, maybe someone will sweep me off my feet. Maybe I’ll be SHOCKED into a Couple of Forevers. My love language is touch and I love to cuddle. Love is…nice. I’m open minded. I’ll try new things... but ummm... it’s quite likely too late that I’ll ever grow up. I skipped over that part of my twenties and I’m not sure you ever get that back. I’m “humaning” (stole that ”word” from a pal). This is MY human experience. I’m patient enough to watch my life unfold, trust God to forgive, reveal and restore and move forward. I fall. I get embarrassed. I stay at moms, eat good, then take my vitamins and get back out there. Am I “on the market”? You can’t buy me. Am I “single”? I’m complete. Loving me is complicated, mostly because I’m content. Kids don’t love people because they have a nice house and diamonds. Kids love people because they smile, laugh at their jokes, spend time on the couch and at the movies. I’m a kid that way… don’t need anything but the simple, beautiful, present human.

How did you grow into your love life?

What was growing up like for you? How did your twenties help create your life? What did you TOTALLY miss and learn in your thirties? How’d that all effect your love life? Tell me down below…

X’s & O’s,

CM